corner tag

Keblinger

Keblinger
Chapter 2: Oops! It's All Right

A/N: I am very, very lucky to call LJ Summers beta and friend. She rocks. . . . 'Nuff said.

There were many requests for a continuation of this story, and this chapter was originally written for the Foxy Fics compilation with no intention of public posting. However, that was before I understood (being a newb writer) that beyond a certain date, the compilation becomes unavailable :-(   I didn't want to deny such a worthy cause badly needed funds, while at the same time, I didn't want to deny y'all, either. So, after much internal debate and a little Twitter poll, here it is in its entirety!

I hope you enjoy the conclusion of this little tale. It's written just for you, the reader,
Mal




“Bella? Oh God, no! Bella!! No! Oh, my love! Oh! I’m so, SO sorry! Bella, I love you!” I cried out clutching her body to mine. We were still joined – I was still buried deep within her limp form.

“No, no, no. . . .” I moaned, stroking her hair. I was horrified at what I’d done moments before. “I’m sorry, baby. SO sorry.” I whispered laying her gently back on the bed and withdrawing from her. I’d done the very thing I’d feared for so long. I’d gotten overwhelmed in the moment by feelings and sensations the likes of which I’d never felt before, never dreamed I could feel, never knew existed. Not for me, at least. The smell of her arousal and mine, of sex combined with the heady scent of her virgin blood spilled overpowered me.

When Bella came undone again under me, something snapped, something primal took over and I had to put all my focus on my groin and my hips so that I didn’t thrust too hard and hurt her delicate body. I felt the storm of my orgasm break over me and I was gone, lost in the sea that swept through me. When I came back seconds, minutes later, my teeth were imbedded in the slope of her shoulder, the venom pouring from my mouth into the wound and she was unmoving.

I was horrified. I’m a monster. I bit her. Why did I ever agree to this insanity? I knew I couldn’t handle it and I didn’t. I never should have tried. I should have stopped when my control started slipping. How could I have done this? I swore I’d never hurt her and now I have. On our wedding night! I’ve ruined everything! My God, I bit my love, my Bella! Why didn’t Alice warn me? She had to have seen this happening!

I turned back to Bella as my phone began ringing. I ignored the phone as I realized that tears were coursing out of the corner of my love’s eyes, across her temples and into her hair in a steady stream. I knew she was in agony, and I would have done anything, anything, to take that pain – the pain I’d caused in my stupidity – from her. I’d burn a thousand times to spare her.

My phone continued to ring incessantly. I wanted to throw it across the room, and started to, but then Bella’s phone began to ring, too, and I knew it was useless to avoid it any longer. I pressed “answer” and put the phone to my ear in silence.

“Edward? It’s all going to be just fine. Trust me.” Alice chirped down the line. I snorted a bitter laugh but said nothing. “Carlisle is already on his way, he should arrive late tonight or early tomorrow morning. He’s bringing everything else you need.”

“Everything else I need?! What’s that supposed to mean, Alice? You saw this and didn’t say anything?! Didn’t warn me? Didn’t show me?! What the hell, Alice?!”

“Don’t start, Edward. You know it’s not a perfect science. There were several possibilities including this one. I did my best to prepare for them all. I knew you wouldn’t kill her – I never saw that, or I’d have stopped you. C’mon, you were going to change her anyway, and this is so romantic, don’t you think?”

“No, Alice. I don’t think it’s romantic. I don’t think it’s romantic at all. Yeah, so, I’d agreed to change her, but it was supposed to be at a planned time with everything in place at home, not halfway across the globe by accident! I’m not ready for this, Alice. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe what I’ve done. . . Oh, Alice. She’s burning. In our wedding bed. On our wedding night. It’s awful what I’ve done. I’m such a monster. She deserves so much better than that. I don’t even know that she was ready. Nothing’s prepared. Oh God, what have I done?”

“You’ve done exactly what Bella wanted. She was ready, she was more than ready, and she’ll tell you that herself in a couple of days. Just stay with her and wait for Carlisle. He’ll be there soon.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Alice.”

“I’m not sorry I didn’t, Edward. Bella made me promise. She knew you wouldn’t go through with it if this was a possible outcome. She wanted this, Edward. You have to know that. She wasn’t afraid. She knew you wouldn’t hurt her. If you don’t trust anything else, Edward, trust that. Trust in Bella, she’s your wife now, your mate. It’s all going to be fine, promise.”

“You’ve seen that? I can’t believe she won’t hate me when she wakes up.”

“Now you’re just being silly, Edward. She’s not going to hate you when she wakes up. And yes, I’ve seen it, but I’m not going to tell you any more. I don’t want to spoil the surprise. . . Oh, Jasper needs me, I have to go. Look in her carry-on, you’ll find what you need for the next few hours until Carlisle arrives. . . I have to go now. Bye, Edward.”

She hung up before I could reply. I pulled the phone away from my ear and made a face at it before setting it on the nightstand. I looked back to Bella. She was so still and silent.

Why isn’t she screaming and writhing in agony? I don’t understand. Something must be terribly wrong.

I didn’t do it right, I just knew it. We’d all screamed. Only the continual river of tears gave  any hint to the potential pain underneath. I buried my face in my hands before sliding them into my hair and pulling relentlessly.

Carlisle will be here soon. Carlisle will be here soon. He’ll know what to do. It’ll be okay. I repeated Alice’s words in my head over an over like a mantra trying to keep myself calm. I can’t flip out now. Bella needs me. I’m all she has. She’s completely vulnerable while the transition happens. We’re safe here.

I released my hair and sighed. I leaned over and kissed Bella on the forehead whispering, “I’ll be right back,” before rising from the bed and going into the bathroom. I was stunned and appalled by my reflection. Blood was smeared around my groin and down my upper thighs as well as on the end of my nose, my right cheek, and chin. My eyes were wide, but thankfully the same golden shade as they had been a few hours ago before the nightmare evening began. I ran my hands through my hair and felt a flash of gratitude that Bella hadn’t seen me like this, seen the inner monster materialized outwardly. Sighing heavily, I turned on the shower and stepped under the spray.

Not wanting to be away from Bella a second longer than necessary, I showered and dried off quickly. I pulled on some soft pyjama bottoms before gathering the items I needed to bathe her body.

When I pulled back the sheet, I gasped at the sight before me. Bella’s body was riddled with rapidly fading bruises. Bruises I’d caused by gripping her too tightly, thrusting too hard. There were a couple of nip marks on her breast, and the blood between her legs and on her shoulder caused me to gag and choke knowing I was responsible. Virginal blood was a reality of course, and I knew from my medical degrees what would happen theoretically, but that was completely different from seeing the reality.

My eyes burned and my breath caught, knowing that all of these things must have been painful. Why didn’t she tell me I was hurting her? Why didn’t she stop me? Or push me away, or at least ask me to lessen my grip?
“Oh Bella love. I’m so, SO sorry I hurt you. Why didn’t you tell me, sweetheart?” I tenderly brushed a tangle of hair away from her face. I noticed that the wound on her shoulder was all sealed up and rapidly healing. The venom was doing its healing magic as it performed it’s evil transformation. I touched the bite mark lightly with one fingertip. “I got lost, Bella, and bit you. I want to take it back so badly. I hate watching you burn. Why are you so quiet, so still? You must be in agony. I’m so sorry, Bella love, so sorry.”

I then began tenderly washing her body. Her sweat and the ocean water had dried, the salt beginning to flake off her rapidly hardening skin. I listened to her steady, slow heartbeat as I worked in silence. After I cleaned her body, I stripped and changed the bed linens, including the mattress cover. I wanted to dress her, but when I went to lift her again, she moaned and I decided that she’d been moved enough for the time being.

It had taken some time to do all that, but not nearly enough. It would be hours before Carlisle arrived and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Just sitting in silence with Bella while she burned threatened my sanity, my anxiety skyrocketing. I needed to do something. When the bed shifted as I got up to pace, Bella moaned quietly again and the fingers nearest me twitched slightly.

I quickly slipped back on the bed and picked up her hand. “Bella love? Can you hear me? I’m right here, love. I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry, I won’t leave you alone. Carlisle is coming. He’ll be here soon. I know it’s painful. I’m so, so sorry about that. If I could burn for you, I would. I’d burn a thousand times so you don’t have to. . . .” My voice was rough and I choked on the last bit, but I noticed the tiniest smoothing of her expression while I spoke that disappeared when I stopped.

Hmmm. My voice and presence seem to soothe her. Somehow she’s sensing when I’m near. I don’t remember anything about my transformation other than unending pain.

“Bella, sweetheart? Can you hear me?” I touched her face gently when I saw it relax infinitesimally. “Darling? I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here with you, but I have to get something across the room. It won’t take a second.” I leapt from the bed and grabbed her carry-on from the dresser, turning it upside-down and dumping the contents on the floor. Two familiar tattered paperbacks fell out and I snatched them up without even looking at them before diving back onto the bed.

I carefully eased my hand under hers so they were resting palm to palm before looking at the two books in my hand. I couldn’t stop the smile that split my face. Wuthering Heights and The Merchant of Venice – her favorites. I couldn’t believe she could want to read them again and again, but she never seemed to grow tired of them. I dropped the Shakespeare beside me and opened Brontë’s masterpiece to the first page and began to read aloud.

~ x ~

It was nearly dawn when I heard a boat approaching the island. Neither Bella nor I had moved in hours. I was just finishing The Merchant of Venice when the boat’s motor throttled down in approach to the dock. I read the final few words before slipping my hand from under Bella’s and putting the book on the nightstand.

“Carlisle is here, Bella love. I have to go help him dock his boat. I won’t be gone long, I promise,” I said, caressing her face. The tears had almost completely stopped, her tear ducts sealing up under the venom’s onslaught. “I’m sorry I have to leave you even for a moment,” I whispered to the skin of her forehead before placing a tender kiss there.

I eased from the bed and stretched my body gratefully. It was easy to hold the same position for long periods of time, though I’d always been more inclined to movement over stillness.

Quietly, I moved through the french doors and onto to the dark beach. The lights from the boat were closer than I expected and I ran to the end of the dock at vampire speed, arriving just in time to catch the rope Carlisle tossed me. It was only after I’d secured the rope to the pier that I saw a small flat barge with several crates tied to the stern of the motor boat.

Before I could speak, Carlisle jumped onto the dock beside me and wrapped me in an embrace.

How are you doing, son?

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I looked away instead.

She’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

“Easy for you to say. You weren’t the one who lost control and bit your wife while making love to her on your wedding night.”

“Edward, Edward! Don’t fret, son. It will all be well. . . .”

A wail from the house interrupted our reunion. I turned wordlessly and ran, Carlisle close on my heels. I burst through the doors into the bedroom. Bella’s body was arched off the bed, her mouth open in a wordless cry. I lunged forward and wrapped my body around hers murmuring apologies and soothing noises. She relaxed instantly but slowly, her keening ceasing the moment my skin touched hers.

“Carlisle. . . Carlisle. Look what I’ve done. She must be in agony.” I choked the words out between harsh, panting breaths.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed. “I know, son. I know how hard it is to sit and watch helplessly while the one you love suffers the transformation.”

“She’s been so quiet, so still. . . I must have done something wrong. That’s the first time she’s cried out or moved. Oh, Carlisle. . . .”

Let me see her, son.

Grasping her hand, I moved carefully so Carlisle could examine her. He looked under her eyelids and checked her pulse in several places, then listened carefully to her slightly labored breathing. He looked at his watch, then turned to me, “It’s been what, about 24 hours now?”

I started slightly at his question. Had it really been that long? Checking the clock on the nightstand, I thought back. “Yeah, about that.”

“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get here, son. The peccaries proved harder to catch and crate than expected or I would have been here sooner.”

“Peccaries?”

“Yes. Something had to be brought here for Bella. She’ll be very thirsty when she wakes up, or have you forgotten?” He winked at me.

“How could I forget that?! But you’re telling me she’s okay? I didn’t make a mess of things? Or, well, more of a mess of things than I already did?”

“You’ve done just fine.” He patted my arm, then continued mentally. “She’s right about where I’d expect her to be at this point in time. It’s always individual, you know that.”

“But, I bit her shoulder, not an artery!”

“Yes, I see that son.” He turned back to Bella and lightly touched the bite mark on her shoulder. “Tell me, did she cry out when you bit her?”

“I. . . I don’t know.” I hung my head in shame. “I lost control when. . . when. . . .” I couldn’t get the words out.

“I see.” He sighed.

“The next thing I knew, my teeth were buried in her shoulder, the venom was pouring out of my mouth into the wound.” I covered my face with a shaking hand before sliding it into my hair and pulling ruthlessly.

Carlisle pursed his lips. “She didn’t flinch or arch – move at all?”

“No, not that I’m aware of. When I removed, my uh, teeth, she was still and limp in my arms.” My hand covered my eyes at the horrifying memory.

“Hmmmm.”

“I. . . I found two nip marks on her chest when I bathed her. . . after,” I breathed, barely audible.

“Was there blood there?”

I shook my head, unable to speak in my shame.

Carlisle, in complete doctor/scientist mode, asked, “Was there virginal blood?”

My eyes closed. “Yes.”

A lot?

I shrugged. I had no idea how much was a lot or a little.

Are these the sheets, son?

“No, I changed to fresh linens. The soiled ones are in the laundry room.”

He rose and disappeared into the house briefly before returning. I hadn’t moved from where I stood rooted to the floor, nor raised my head, or even opened my eyes.

“When you broke her maidenhead, Edward, did she cry out or make any other indication of pain?”

“She flinched and tensed up for a few minutes. But that was what we expected, and she didn’t ask me to. . . to stop or anything. Why? Why all the questions, Carlisle?”

Well, I can’t know for sure, but her virginal blood flow was more than I would have expected. I think that that combined with your precum and ejaculate started the transformation. The bite only encouraged and sped the process. It sounds to me like she was already under the influence of the transformation when you became aware of yourself again. I’ll have to confirm a few things with her when she wakes of course, but that’s my theory given the evidence.

My head shot up while he was thinking and I stared at him in shock. I was completely speechless. In all our conversations about this night, the act itself, he’d never brought that up as a possibility, and I was so naïve, I never even thought of it myself.

“My. . . my precum? How can that be possible? It can’t possibly have that much venom. . . .” I trailed off.

“Well, I wouldn’t have thought so, either, son, but then I didn’t expect to see so much blood on the sheets. And you know, when human blood mixes with our venom, the transformation is triggered, no matter how small the wound.”

He looked down at Bella as he continued in his mind. “I’d say there was a pretty good size tear – she must have had an unusually small opening. Biology shows that much of the blood supply is rerouted to the genitals during sexual excitement, the tissues becoming engorged with blood. It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility. I just thought it was so remote as to be not worthy of consideration.

Returning his gaze to me, he laid his hand on my shoulder, his voice echoing his thoughts. “I’m sorry, son. I’m really sorry I dismissed the possibility out of hand.”

“So, you’re saying that this would have happened even if I hadn’t bitten her?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Actually, biting her was a kindness. It sped the process up to a more usual level. The transformation would have lasted much, much longer without the infusion of your oral venom.” I heard his follow up thought, “At least twice as long as the usual time,” and flinched.

“Six days. . . .”

“Yes, likely longer.” Again, he couldn’t mask his trailing thought before I heard it. “Probably more like ten.

I couldn’t imagine burning that long. I really couldn’t. A wave of gratitude suddenly washed over me for biting her in the midst of passion, and I never thought I’d feel grateful for that.

“I need to get the boat unloaded and do something with those darn peccaries.”

A real, genuine laugh escaped me at the expression on Carlisle’s face as he thought, “Stubborn little things. . . .” I couldn’t remember seeing him so sour before, at least not in a long time.

“Do you need my help?”

“No, son. You’d best stay here with Bella. She’s clearly more comfortable when you’re nearby.” He turned and headed for the doors thinking, “Fascinating, just fascinating. Awareness outside of herself during the transformation. . . .” I tuned out the rest of his thoughts and focused solely on my love.

My miracle. My love. My miracle love.

I bent down and nuzzled her nose with mine before settling in beside her on the bed. I had no more reading material, so I drew her into my side and began singing softly to her instead.

~ x ~

The next 48 hours flew by as Carlisle raced around the island preparing for Bella’s awakening, making two more trips to the mainland for food and other supplies. We’d only planned to stay for a few weeks at most, one human and one vampire. Now, two vampires would be here for several months. I have to admit the idea of an extended stay didn’t bother me in the least. Isle Esme was a lovely, one-of-a-kind, remote, deserted island and it was only the second time I’d ever been here.

Alice had sent along more of Bella’s favorite classics for me to read aloud as the transformation continued. I alternated between reading, singing, and telling Bella my dreams and fantasies of our life together as vampires and mates, husband and wife.

Shortly before dawn on the third day, Carlisle stopped by the bedroom to check on us.

How’s she doing?” he asked.

“Listen for yourself. . . .”

“Ah, her heartbeat has increased. This is a good sign. She will wake soon. I’d best be going.”

“Wait, what? You’re leaving? But. . . she’ll. . . .”

Only have eyes for you, son. It’s best if I leave you two lovebirds alone.” He smiled with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “It is your honeymoon, after all.” He turned to leave.

“But, wait! Carlisle! When she wakes? I’ve never been alone for a newborn awakening before. . . .”

He turned back and touched my shoulder reassuringly. “It’ll be fine. Follow her lead. Listen to your instincts. Just remember it will be disorienting when she first wakes, and try not to overstimulate her in any way. Be patient, and you’ll do just fine. I really have to go now, Edward, or I’ll miss my flight. We’ll see you in a few months. Enjoy your time here. . .” He winked. “I always do.”

“Ugh, Carlisle. . . .”

Goodbye, son. Be safe.

He closed his mind to me then, humming some sort of ancient tune in a language I didn’t recognize. A whimper beside me on the bed caught my attention, and I realized Bella’s heart had suddenly upped its speed another notch or two. I quickly slipped a simple sundress over her head and settled it around her body.

In one corner of my mind, I heard Carlisle start his boat and slip the ropes from the pier, whistling the song in his mind aloud. As the sounds of the boat slipped further and further away, Bella’s heart beat faster and faster, until it was as fast as a hummingbird’s and as loud as a jackhammer. It would only be a few moments now before it stopped completely.

I counted every precious beat, every breath, knowing they were her last. At the instant I could no longer hear the boat, her heart made an impossibly loud thu-thunk and her body arched off the bed. When she collapsed back onto the mattress, her breathing stopped and I held my breath, knowing the moment had finally arrived.

I slipped my hands around one of hers. Bella’s heart made two more valiant attempts to beat, straining and slow, before one final weak thump. And then, it beat no more. Her human life was over. Her vampire life was about to begin. I held my breath and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I felt her energy – her life force – flash down her arm into her hand as she simultaneously inhaled with a gasp and her eyes flew open. And I waited, still as a statue, not breathing. I watched her now-crimson eyes come into focus, then dart around the room until she found my face. She seemed captivated by my it, then her hand flashed up to my cheek, stopping just as she made contact with my skin.

I saw her lips working briefly before her voice came out flute-like, lovely and melodic. “E-Ed-ward?”

“Yes, my love?”

“I. . . I. . . you. . . . Stunning. . . .”

I couldn’t stop the grin that split my face wide. “Yes, yes, you are,” I breathed.

Her attention was distracted by the sight of her own hand, her eyes then traveling down her glistening arm to her dress. She looked around the room again, a puzzled frown darkening her expression, her bottom lip disappearing between her teeth briefly.

“Oh! Sharp!” she gasped, and my chuckle escaped before I could stop it. Her eyes flew back to my face in amazement. “Like a song. . . . I’ve never. . . how did you do that?”

“Do what, Bella love?”

“Your. . . your voice. It’s the same but new. Better. Different somehow. . . .”

“Ah, that would be your hearing, not my voice, love.”

“My. . . hearing? Why? What happened? What changed?”

“You did, my love. I’m so sorry, but I bit you on our wedding night. You’re just waking up from the transformation.”

“You mean. . . you mean I’m like you now?” She whispered the last part, an expression of awe transforming her face.

“Yes, love. I know we didn’t. . . .” My words were cut off by her arms around my neck. She was hugging me fiercely. “Sweetheart,” I strangled out. “Um, ow. Careful with your husband.”

“Oh! Oops!” She dropped her arms and her eyes instantly.

“Just a little too tight, love. You’re stronger than I am right now. That’s all.” I laughed. “I’m the fragile one for a change.”

She smiled up at me shyly. “Thank you for biting me. It’s. . . wait, what’s that noise?”

I listened carefully. “What do you hear?”

Her head tilted slightly to the side. “Um, it’s a kind of snuffling sound and some thumping.”

“Ah, well, that would be breakfast. You must be thirsty, yes?”

“Well, my throat burns like it’s sore. Is that what you mean?”

“Yes. It’s not. . . painful?”

“Well, it’s not the most comfortable thing, but if I focus on something else, it’s not so bad.”

Amazing.

“Edward?”

“Yes love?”

“You smell incredible. . . . You always have, but it’s just. . . it’s just so much. . . more.” She was leaning towards me by this time, her eyes closed, drawing in deep breaths.

I chuckled again and took her hand.

“C’mon, Bella. Let’s get you something to eat.” I pulled her to her feet and led her gently outside. As I turned us to head into the brush to the far side of the island, she stopped and planted her feet.

“Ugh! What’s that smell? Ugh, oh! It’s awful.” She waved her hand in front of her face in the universal gesture indicating a bad odor.

“Um, well, that’s breakfast.”

That’s breakfast?! What is it, Edward? I’ve never smelled anything so awful in my life!”

“Well, being unplanned and all, our food sources are really limited here. The only thing in abundance for us are peccaries. They’re kind of like pigs, but not really. I’m sorry, love. That’s really all there is. They taste better than they smell, and you do get used to it, sort of. Just stop breathing.”

“Yeah, okay, uh, no. I can’t do that right now. Not hungry, er, um, thirsty I mean.”

I reached out and cupped her neck with my palm. “Are you sure, love? Your throat must be so painful.”

“It’s not so bad. I’m fine. And yeah, I’m sure. I’ll have to be a lot more desperate before I can, uh, drink that.” A shudder ran through her body and I sighed. I couldn’t blame her. They really stank.

“Let’s go to the beach watch the rest of sunrise. I feel like I can see everything now – like I was blind before – and the sky is so beautiful.”

I let her lead me to the water’s edge, and in to the lapping surf. As the ocean swirled and receded around our ankles, a gentle wind blew our hair and clothes behind us. I wrapped my arms around Bella from the side, watching her watch the horizon. She had been beautiful to me before, but now she was absolutely stunning. I was completely dazzled by her transformation and secretly relieved at the little imperfections of human Bella that remained.

I love this woman more than life itself. I would do anything for her, anything at all.

“I want to make all your dreams come true,” I whispered, pressing my lips into her hair as the sun peeked above the horizon. I crushed her to me while closing my eyes, no longer worrying about hurting her, grateful to have her awake and in my arms again at last.

I suddenly saw a word in my head. What? I don’t think I’ve seen that before, but it’s familiar somehow. My eyes flew open and I pulled back to look at her. My abrupt movement caused her to turn her head towards me, the dawn light casting a rosy pink hue across her sparkling skin.

Magnificent.

In my entire existence, I had never seen a sight so breathtaking. I literally stopped breathing for a moment and froze at the sight before me, my eyes wide, my mouth forming a perfect “o.” I was completely dumbfounded. After blinking several times, I realized that her expression mirrored mine. I raised my hand to her jaw, running my thumb over her cheekbone as I cradled her face.

“Stunning,” was all I could say. She smiled and leaned into my hand, raising her hand to my face as we continued to mirror each other.

Dazzling suddenly popped into my head, but not as a sound. I didn’t hear it, rather I saw it as if on a blackboard, or written on a page. It wasn’t mine – it’s not how my inner voice spoke to me.

“Bella?” I breathed, my face drawing down into a confused frown.

Still, she remained silent, raising her other hand to my forehead, attempting to smooth out the ridges there. “What, my forever love?”

“I. . . I just. . . .” I closed my eyes and shook my head slightly to clear it. “Nothing, never mind.”

What? Drifted through my mind. Again in written form.

“What did you just think, Bella?”

“What.”

“Just now. Er, just before, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking what, Edward. I was wondering what you were about to say.”

I gasped. “Whatdoyouthinkwhenyouthink?” I rushed the words out as if they were one.

She laughed, loudly. “What do I think when I think? What kind of question is that?” She snickered up at me, her eyes twinkling merrily.

“I, uh. . .” I ran my free hand through my hair and sighed out my nose. How do I put this? “I mean, um, when you think, do you hear your voice or someone else’s voice, or do you see pictures like a movie?”

She laughed again. “No, silly. I see words. Like written on a page or a chalkboard or projected on a screen.”

I staggered back a half step. Had I really, finally heard her mind? After all this time and frustration and silence?

“Think something now.”

She raised an eyebrow and smiled at me, but said nothing. I saw nothing. I heard nothing. I strained, and held my breath, but still nothing.

“Gah!” I gasped out finally, frustrated once again by her exasperating, silent mind.

What? Appeared in that moment.

“Did you just think ‘what’ again?”

“Yes, I did. What is going on? You’re acting so strangely, even for you.” She nudged me playfully and almost knocked me down with her strength. “Oops!” She laughed, grabbing me. “I guess I don’t know my own strength. This is going to take some getting used to.”

Her laugh was infectious, and I found myself chuckling with her, causing interesting sensations since our bodies were pressed closely together in very thin clothes. I watched her bright red eyes darken as lust flickered there. Her hands were instantly in my hair, drawing our lips together. When they touched for the first time, my lips were soft against hers, molding to her shape instead of holding only my own.

So good appeared in my head and I answered, “Yes, so good,” before pulling away and looking deep into her eyes with a brilliant smile illuminating my face. “Bella, love? I. Can. Hear. You.”

She jerked back, startled. “You can hear me?! But I thought. . . .”

“I know!” I interrupted her, “I’ve never been able to hear you before.”

“The transformation?”

“Maybe. Maybe I was just listening for the wrong thing. I don’t get much, only a word or two, but they pop in as a written word, and I’ve always heard voices or seen pictures before. And trying doesn’t seem to work. It happens when I’m focused on something else, and. . . .”

“And I’m feeling some sort of emotion with the thought.” She finished for me. We looked at each other blinking in awe and amazement.

“Can you hear me now?”

“No, no I can’t,” I sighed.

She stepped closer and cupped my face again. “Now?”

I closed my eyes and willed myself to see something, anything. Begging for a word to pop into my mind. “No, nothing.” I dropped my head to her shoulder. “Maybe I was just dreaming the whole thing up. I’m sorry I said anything.”

Her arms wrapped around my back and pulled me deep into her embrace. “Shhhh, you’re trying too hard. Relax, husband.” Her hands stroked slowly, tantalizingly up and down my back.

Kiss me popped in.

I began kissing, licking, nibbling at her neck and shoulder. Carefully drawing just the tip of my tongue along my bite scar. Mine, I thought. Mine, made just for me, made by me. Mine.

Mine all mine appeared as her lips brushed my neck in return.

I pulled back in silence and smiled at her, quirking an eyebrow. She nodded in return whispering, “Mine.” I wrapped myself around her, lifting her up and swinging her around in a circle before setting her back on her feet gently. I pressed my forehead to hers, panting slightly but not from the effort.

“Forever?” I breathed.

Forever appeared.

I took her hand in mine and led her back towards the house. I had a feeling the next few months were going to be beyond anything I’d ever dreamed of. It was going to be an amazing forever, and for the first time in my long existence, I looked forward to every single day of it.




Fin.
FGB: Spotlight Autism Compilation – TEASER

Summary – Many people with disabilities find their life transformed with a service dog partner. Here is my imagined view from the dog (puppy’s) perspective.

One morning, I felt something different about him from the moment he woke. He was nervous and excited all the way through dressing me to go out. It was some sort of big day. We didn’t go anywhere, though. Instead, we went to the couch and waited. I tried my best to calm him by lying extra quietly at his feet. We both leapt up when the doorbell rang.

On the other side was a small human, not a tiny one, but more mid-sized. I knew him, he’d been one of the many I play trained with before.

“Are you ready?”

I looked to Kind Man only to realize he wasn’t speaking to me.

The boy nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay then. She’s all yours.” Kind Man then turned to me before saying, “Bellissima, go with Alex. Be a good girl and do everything he says and you know to do.”

I still didn’t understand many of the sounds even though I’d heard them lots of times. But I knew enough and the tone of his voice told me the rest. I was to go with this boy and follow his instructions.

Kind man patted my head before he handed my string to the boy. I gave him a long look over my shoulder to be sure this is what he wanted. I neither saw nor felt any hesitation.

This is some kind of test. I must do my best. I must do my best. . . .

“C’mon girl. Let’s go.”

Those words I knew. I turned and walked away by his side and this time, I didn’t look back.



This one shot was written especially for FGB Autism Awareness fundraising compilation. Click on the logo over there on the left (under "Compilations") to go to the FGB blog to gather all the donation information. I do request that you not share fundraising compilations with those who have not made a contribution to that specific cause. This effectively denies worthy organizations of badly needed funds.

I’m not naive enough to believe that a dog partner is the panacea for all persons with an autism spectrum diagnosis, however, for those individuals for whom a dog partner is a fit, the change in problematic behaviors (such as escaping, meltdowns, and social isolation) is extraordinary. I offer these wonderful videos as just two examples: 



At this time, I do not intend to publicly post this one shot anywhere in the future, so if you want it, please make a donation before the end of April 2011.

Thank you,
Mal
p.s. if you'd like to read a few blog posts by the service dog trainer (who is dog-centric in her methods and inspired this one shot) as she was training the dog in the second video above, please click here.

[Full disclosure: Leslie will be training my successor mobility support service dog later this year. More on that in a future post.]
One More Birthday Wish

Judge's Honorable Mention Winner in A Picture Says it All Anonymous O/S Contest 
(Thank you Kharizzmatik!)

A/N: Thanks to Katmom and LJSummers, the beta dynamic duo! This is one of my very first fan fic stories, and it holds a special place in my heart.




I walk slowly into the center of the meadow. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been here, and it hasn’t changed a bit. A gentle, warm breeze caresses my cheeks and blows softly through my hair. The wildflowers and sunshine scent the air. I close my eyes and lift my face to the light. I raise my arms and extend them from my sides in gratitude for the warmth and light. A bubble of joy rises through me, causing me to spin and hug myself.

When I finally open my eyes, he is there in the shadows watching me. I grin sheepishly in welcome. He smiles back warmly and walks silently toward me. I am so happy to see him, I can’t stop myself from meeting him halfway. As his arms go around my waist, I slip mine around his neck and we pull each other close. I breathe in his extraordinary scent and revel in being in his arms again.

His black t-shirt is the same as always. I’d tried to get him to wear other colors, or even white to no avail — it’s always black. I sigh. His slightly stubbly chin feels scratchy as he kisses my forehead.

But, wait a second. What is this shirt I’m wearing? It’s familiar, but not with him and his black t-shirt. It’s soft flannel, but it has elastic at the wrists and a bit of lace at the sleeve ends. And it’s long sleeved. Why would I be wearing long sleeves in the sunny meadow? I always wear short-sleeved tops when we come here.

And these hands. These are not my hands, but yet they are. These hands are old and wrinkled, the veins prominent through the thin, age-spotted skin. These hands are bony and thin, the nails brittle and yellowed. What happened to my pale, soft skin? These are the hands of an old woman. They look like my grandmother’s hands. But she died years ago.

I look up into his face in confusion. He looks just like he did yesterday at school. He grins mischievously and grabs my hair, tugging it a couple of times as he drapes it over my shoulder.

“A braid today, Bella? You know I like it better when you wear it down.”

I look down at the thick braid as it wound down my chest. It hadn’t been braided a minute ago when I twirled in the sun, so how did that happen? This isn’t my hair — grey with streaks of white – my hair is brown. What’s going on here? I can’t seem to form words with my mouth, it just keeps opening and closing without a sound.

I gape at him, hoping that he’ll tell me what is going on. He simply reaches up and caresses my withered cheek. It was my cheek, for sure, but it doesn’t feel the same under his fingertips.

“Happy Birthday, Bella,” he whispers just before pressing his lips to mine. . . .



“Happy Birthday, Gramma! Happy Birthday, Gramma! Wake up! Wake up! Look what we brought you! Lookie, lookie!”

My eyes flew open and fell on the blurry, cherubic face bouncing next to me. I squinted in confusion for a few seconds — oh, it was just a dream — and grabbed my glasses from the nightstand.

“Good morning, Sweetheart. What have you brought me?”

“We brought you breakfast in bed! I made you all my favorites. See?” He looked over his shoulder towards the door where my daughter was standing holding a loaded tray.

“You did? Well, thank you very much. I think I’m going to need some help eating all that, though. Think you can help me?”

“Sure!”

I sat up and scooted over to make room for him to crawl in next to me. Bree set the tray across my lap and stroked her son’s head. “You need to sit extra still now so nothing spills on Gramma, okay?”

“Yes, Mom.” He rolled his eyes at me, and mine watered just a bit. He looked so like someone else when he did that.

“Well, what have we here; what did you make for me?” I couldn’t identify anything on the tray except the glass of juice.

“Toast with peanut butter and a face of raisins and bananas. Look, see? It’s smiling. Choco Crisps with milk, bacon in maple syrup, and grape juice,” he explained pointing to each item in turn.

“Oh my, I can see you went all out. What should we eat first?”

“The Choco Crisps cause they get soggy fast.”

He wasn’t kidding. They were a soggy mess floating in a sea of milk. I hid my disgust well from years of practice. I could never bear to diminish the innocent delight and pride in preparing my breakfast feast with a critical word or expression. When my eyes drifted up and met my daughter’s, she simply shrugged. She was as powerless as I against the force of nature that was my grandson.

Once breakfast was done, I climbed out of bed and began my day in earnest. As I sat in front of the mirror brushing out my hair, I studied my face intently. When did I become so old? Where had the years gone? My eyes were no longer clear and bright, they’d become slightly cloudy as time passed. My skin had shriveled like a peach left in the fridge too long. It was crisscrossed with wrinkles deep and shallow, and was liberally blotched and sprinkled with spots and freckles. All trace of brown was gone from my hair.

When did that happen? I wondered. It seemed the last time I looked, it was brown streaked with grey.

I touched my cheek with my fingers and my reflection did the same. Who was this old woman in the mirror? She wasn’t a reflection of how I felt on the inside. I wasn’t this old, was I? My hand stretched out and touched the reflection of my face on the cool surface of the looking glass. My morning’s dream came unbidden in my mind. It had once been my worst nightmare. How could he smile at me the same way when I didn’t look at all the same? How could he touch me? Kiss me? He was just the same, I wasn’t, and in this moment, I wasn’t at all sure who I really was — the me in the mirror, or the me inside. The young woman trapped in this suddenly old body.

“Mom! Are you ready to go?” Bree called from the kitchen, startling me out of my reverie.

“Yeah, Hon, I’ll be right there.” Time to face the rest of this strange day, I thought grimly.

~  ✧  ~

There was shopping and lunch, a short nap, and afternoon tea with the girls. By late afternoon my son and his family had arrived. My youngest, Mary Alice, hadn’t shown up yet, but we knew she was coming; being late was nothing new. Actually, we expected it. The only time she’d been early was when she had been born.

The adults were in the kitchen, drinking wine and preparing my birthday feast while catching up on the latest news and family gossip. The kids were out in the back yard – supposedly decorating and setting the table, but I could hear them running around and squealing as they played some game instead. It was a rare thing to bring everyone together like this. It happened only at Christmas or Thanksgiving and sometimes my birthday, so this was an extra special day.

I sat quietly in the dim family room just listening, letting the hubbub of all the sounds surround me like a cocoon. There was life in this house again, and I loved it. It had been too quiet for too long with just me within these four walls. I missed the companionship of my dear friend and husband who’d died a couple of years ago. Such a patient, loving man, the father of my children. He was steady, faithful, and kind, and I was grateful for the life we’d shared together. I was glad he suffered only briefly before he passed. I loved him dearly, it’s true, but he was not my true love. No, that love was locked away, a secret in my heart of hearts. My husband knew, of course, but no one else did. . . .

My thoughts were interrupted by the banging of the front door. “Hi, hi, hi! I’m sorry! I know I’m late, but I made it in time, right?! I didn’t miss anything, did I?” Mary Alice. Always running, slightly out of breath, a human tornado. Like my grandson, she was also an irrisistible force of nature.

She went breezing down the hall to stop in the kitchen first, before going out back to corral the kids. She was the only one of us that could actually pull them all together, unite them in purpose, and get them to actually accomplish a task. I knew her secret, of course – she was simply a bigger version of them while carrying off being an adult at the same time. Mary Alice was like a bridge in so many ways, and if I were being honest (though I’d never admit it to anyone else), she was the most like me of all my children. Bree was most like her father, and was becoming more stodgy as she aged. MJ (for Michael Junior) was an interesting hybrid of Mike and me, and in many ways was secretly my favorite because of this.

With the kids firmly on task, Mary Alice came back inside. “Where’s Mom?” she asked.

“I think she’s in the living room. White or red?” MJ answered.

“Red, thanks,” and I could hear her feet coming down the hall towards me. “Mom, what are you doing, sitting here by yourself?”

“Oh, I was just trying to stay out of the way. You know how your sister is in the kitchen.”

Mary Alice rolled her eyes and we laughed together quietly.

“And the kids wanted the garden to be a surprise, so. . . .”

“Here you sit.”

“Here I sit and listen to the life around me. It’s quite wonderful, actually.”

“Mmmmm, I’ll bet,” she murmured.

~  ✧  ~

Dinner was lovely and lively – full of laughter, teasing, bickering, and funny stories. I loved it when we could all get together like this, it happened so rarely now, with everyone getting older making for busy lives and busy schedules. I told the kids early in the year that I didn’t want gifts for my birthday; that the best and only thing I wanted was for us to gather as a family. I was glad they listened for once, and gave me the best gift they could.

Bree had even made all my favorite dishes for dinner. When Mary Alice brought out my birthday cake, I felt tears slip down my cheeks. Red velvet cake with butter frosting. I used to make it for them when they were kids. It was my all-time favorite, favorite cake, and a real luscious treat. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten the old family recipe. She’d only put two candles on the cake, a “7” and a “3” because 73 individual candles would never fit. I closed my eyes to make a wish and found that for the first time I didn’t have one. I had everything I could wish for in this moment. So I smiled my secret smile, pretending I had a wish, and quickly blew out the candles to great cheers and acclaim. I hadn’t felt so deeply happy and content in a very, very long time.

Twilight had long been my favorite time of day and I lingered in my garden while the kids cleared the dinner mess away. Mary Alice, calmer now, fluttered over and sat with me on the swing. Long years ago, Mike had erected a bench swing in the middle of the yard for me. He knew how I loved to softly sway and read surrounded by the fragrant natural beauty of my garden. After several minutes of silence, Mary Alice reached into her pocket.

“Mom, remember the last time I was here I took a few more boxes from the attic to sort through?”

She had taken it upon herself to clean out the attic. It was too full of memories for me, and the kids were worried about the fire danger because it was full to the brim and none of us knew exactly what was up there.

“Yes, of course, dear. Did you find something interesting again? Maybe something we should take to Antiques Roadshow?” I laughed. She was so enthusiastic about whatever she was doing and more than once thought she’d found something to make me rich and I’d had to shoot her hopes down.

She rolled her eyes. “No, nothing like that.” She handed me a photograph. “I found this. Do you recognize it? I’m pretty sure it’s you, but that doesn’t look like Dad. Without heads it’s kinda hard to tell.”

My hand trembled slightly as I brought the picture closer to my face. I didn’t really need to do that, but I was stalling for time. I knew this picture well and it was indeed me, but it wasn’t her father I was leaning against. I brought my free hand unconsciously to my lips. This picture had become lost to me so long ago I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen it.

“Where did you find this?”

“It was stuck in the fold of a box with a bunch of baby things. They were Bree’s, I think. They certainly weren’t mine, and I don’t think you dressed MJ in pink, did you?”

I shook my head.

“It was wedged in the corner with the image side stuck a little bit to the cardboard. I had thought the box was empty and had taken it to the dumpster. When I broke the box down, this fluttered out and landed on the ground. I didn’t know if it was important or not, I’ve never seen it before, and it wasn’t with any other pictures.”

I was having a hard time finding my voice and I knew I needed to. Quickly.

“Yes, I know this picture and that is me, but it’s not your father. It was taken by my mother – you know how good she was with a camera – that’s why our head are cut off,” I rolled my eyes before I continued, “It’s just one of the boys I knew in high school.”

“Oh. Do you have other pictures of him?”

“No, this is the only one.”

“Someone you dated before Dad?”

“Not really.”

“Why are you being cryptic all of a sudden? You’ve never been shy to talk about the guys before Dad. Was he your secret love or something?”

“Or something.” And with that, my tone of voice indicated the subject was closed. She sighed, but knew not to push me further on the matter.

“Are you ready to go in, now?”

“No, I’d like to sit here a while longer, thanks.”

“Company or alone?”

“Alone, I think.”

“All right, I’ll go help the others. Holler when you’re ready to come in. The path is pretty uneven these days and I don’t want you to fall.”

I nodded, but internally rolled my eyes. I walked that path nearly every day without a problem, but I had to admit it was nice to be fussed over a bit. She stood from the swing and went inside. The warm light from the windows streamed into the backyard, becoming brighter as the sun set and the light outside continued to fade.

I looked again at the picture in my hand. I ran my finger along the figure on the right. It was the one and only time he’d ever worn a white t-shirt. He’d done it for me because I’d begged and it was my birthday. It was his gift to me. He didn’t really have anything else to give and it had made me so happy. Such a simple thing, but those were the things that always meant the most to me. Mike never did understand that. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and sighed.

I felt the swing shift slightly as someone sat down next to me. I hadn’t heard anyone approach and I was a little peeved as I really just wanted a few minutes to myself. It had been a full, busy day and I was a bit tired. I was used to being alone almost all the time, and while having my family around was wonderful, it was also wearying. I sighed again.

“Hello, Bella.” The sweet, soft voice spoke and my eyes flew open. “Did you have a nice birthday?” My mouth popped open and stayed that way. Was this another dream? I didn’t think I was asleep.

“No, you’re not dreaming.”

“How. . . what. . . .” I gasped. “Hallucinating? Delirious?”

He chucked, “Nope.”

“Then what?”

“I came for your birthday.”

“You. . . came. . . for my. . . birthday?”

“Yup.”

“Wha. . . why. . . um, why now?”

“Because this one is special. All your birthdays have been special, but this one is especially so.”

I was dumbstruck. Why was this birthday so special? It wasn’t even a “speed limit” birthday as MJ’s son called them. I couldn’t get over the fact that he was here, sitting next to me, on the swing, in my garden.

“But. . . how. . . how. . .”`

“Is this possible?”

Again with the mind-reading. I hated when he did that. It was so annoying. But in this case helpful, because I didn’t seem to be able to form many coherent thoughts much less speak them.

“I asked and was given permission.”

“You. . . you. . .”

“Yes. I asked a long time ago, but it wasn’t time, then.”

“But, it’s time now.”

“Yes. It can be, anyway. That’s kinda up to you.”

“Oh.” If it were possible, I was even more confused, and the question that had rattled around in my head for years popped out. “Why did you leave me?”

“Oh, Bella. Sweetheart. I had to go. I couldn’t stay. You know that. We talked about this.”

“But I never understood. Not really. I’d have followed you anywhere.”

“Anywhere?”

“Well, okay, maybe not there, but anywhere else.”

“I know, Sweetheart. But you’d never have been happy. Not really. C’mon. Be honest with yourself.” He looked deep in my eyes and touched my cheek. An air of sadness suddenly surrounded him. “Mike made you happy. Admit it. If not to me, at least to yourself, please.”

“But. . . .”

“No buts.”

I sighed and closed my eyes, just letting the feeling of his fingers on my cheek and the smell of him burn through me.

Distant memories flooded my mind. We’d had this very conversation so many times. Ugh, I’d forgotten that. I didn’t believe him though, I didn’t think he’d actually go. I compared my dreams of life with him to the life I’d actually had, and I knew he was right. I sighed again.

“Okay, I admit we wanted different things then. But don’t you think. . . .”

“No, Bella. I would never have been happy with the life you wanted. I’d have been happy with you, but I would have eventually come to hate and resent you for tying me down. Be real.” He ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. “Look at the picture closely, Bella. Really look at it. Tell me what you see.”

“I see the two of us. I’ve got my cutoffs on, and you’re wearing a white t-shirt for once. I’m standing behind you with my arms around you, and I’m leaning my head on your upper back. My mom cut off your head and most of mine when she took the picture.”

“Look carefully. Are your arms actually around me?”

“Oh. . . um. . . not really. Not quite. You have my hands in your hands, our fingers intertwined.”

“Yes. You wanted to put your arms around me, but I couldn’t stand to be restrained in that way, so I took your hands in mine. Even for just a picture, I couldn’t be caged in by you. I’m facing away from you Bella. Your arms were like a gilded cage for me, and I was always looking for an out. I always had one foot out the door. I wasn’t faithful to you. I wanted you, yes, but I needed my freedom more. Surely you knew that?!”

“But, but. . . .”

“No buts. Bella, I loved you. I loved you enough to want for you what you wanted for yourself. I knew I could never give it to you and remain me. I would have gotten lost in that life and then I wouldn’t be the man you loved. We simply wanted different things. For once in my life, I was trying not to be selfish. Can’t you see that?”

“Trying not to be selfish! What do you call what you did, then?!”

“Well, what happened wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I was headed out either way.”

“Wait, what do you mean what happened wasn’t quite what you had in mind? I thought that was intentional. You mean to tell me now that you weren’t trying to kill yourself?”

“No, actually I wasn’t. I was ready to get out of dodge, but didn’t have a ride. I met those dudes at a party, and they said they were heading to Vegas at the end of the month. I asked if I could bum a ride and they said yes. We started hanging around together after that. They seemed pretty cool. They were already living the sort of life I wanted and I thought maybe I’d hang with them beyond Vegas.”

“Yeah, I remember all that. Those dudes were crazy, though.”

“Yeah, they were, but I didn’t see that. I really wasn’t much different from them. You know me, I was always high on something then, well, except when I was with you. You do know that, right?”

I sighed. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be, Bella. I really am. I just didn’t have it in me.” He put his arm around my shoulders, drew me into his side, and kissed the top of my head.

I sighed again remembering their wild antics. Honestly, those two had been like a house doused in gasoline and Edward was simply the lit match. When the three of them were together there was no restraining them, and they liked to do wild, dangerous shit. Crazy stuff like playing chicken with oncoming trains, climbing to the top of the old city water tower and wrestling around to see if they could throw one another off, getting drunk and high before taking guns into the woods for a little target practice a la paintball with real bullets.

The three weeks before my birthday that year made me a frantic wreck. I was filled with dread and relief every time the phone rang. They were supposed to leave at the end of August, but Edward convinced them to stay until my birthday, the day of the picture I still clutched in my hand. I was so desperate by the time my birthday rolled around, I’d have done anything to keep Edward from leaving town with Paul and Jacob.

~  ✧  ~

He was waiting for me just outside the back door. He grabbed my hand and led me quickly across the backyard and into the woods. I was so excited about everything that I had to clamp my free hand over my mouth to muffle my giggling. I was breathless by the time we were in the safety of the trees, and could only gasp when he pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to mine.

It was a sweet, tender yet hungry kiss, and briefly we were what we were, two teenagers kissing each other happily. He pulled back to look into my eyes, so we could both catch our breath. In that moment, something shifted. The mischievous sparkle in his eyes darkened to something I hadn’t seen before, and the air between us crackled with life. The next thing I knew, he was pressing me against a nearby tree, one hand tangled in my hair, the other gripping my waist, his lips and tongue devouring mine. Now I was breathless for a whole different reason. My hand found its way into his hair while the other snaked around to his back, both pulling him closer to me. My heart pounding, my hope soared. We’d made out before and fooled around a bit, but never with this kind of intensity.

I wanted him. I’d wanted him for a long time. I hadn’t been ready to make love, and still wasn’t sure if I was, but this was it — my last opportunity. He was to leave for good in the morning. I didn’t want him to go; I wanted him to stay with me. I knew he wouldn’t take me with him despite all my begging and pleading. I held out a kernel of hope that if we finally sealed the deal, he’d stay. Or, lacking that, that this one final night might leave me with a part of him taken root in my womb. Anything. I would take any little thing he’d leave with me.

His lips left mine and trailed warm, wet, sucking kisses along my throat and neck. I was now panting and fully aroused. His hands slipped under my shirt and traveled up to my breasts. My nipples were already erect, and when his thumbs stroked over them as he bit gently on my shoulder, I groaned out loud and threw my head back into the tree.

“Oh God. . . uhng. . . .” I couldn’t stop the noises coming from my mouth and throat as he continued to tease and pluck at my nipples while nuzzling and nibbling across my shoulders and neck. I had purposely not worn a bra and chosen this loose fitting top to give him easy access.

“You’re so soft and warm,” he breathed into my skin and suddenly licked his way from my upper chest to my lips. He plunged his tongue into my all too willing, already open mouth and I panted against him. My hands had been all over his chest and back over his t-shirt and I suddenly had to feel his skin under my fingertips. I pushed him back just enough to rip his shirt over his head and then mine. I was frantic. He was making me wild. It made me brave.


No sooner than my breasts were revealed, before my shirt was even on the ground, he was suckling and biting my nipples. I didn’t think they could get any harder, any more erect, but I was wrong. The sensation was fucking unbelievable and took what little breath I had left from me.

“Ungmphf. . . .” nonsensical, guttural, primal noises arose from deep in my throat, my head thrown back, my eyes squeezed shut, my mouth open. My hands buried themselves in his hair, fisting it tightly to pull him closer. He groaned against me in response. His hands were now at my waist, arching my back, pulling my body to his. I became aware of the heat pooling between my legs. I’d been turned on before, but this, this was something else. Something totally new.

I pulled his mouth back to mine. When I drew his tongue into my mouth and sucked on it, he moaned deeply and pressed his hips against me. For the first time, I could feel every inch of him pressed tightly against my body. I moaned in return and my hands found their way to the sides of his ass to hold him to me. I wanted him to grind on me. I need the friction, the pressure. I was writhing against him trying to find some sort of relief.


He broke the kiss, panting heavily, but his lips never left my skin for long. He gasped against my neck, “Oh, God. . . oh, Bella. . . you are. . . so. . . beautiful. . . .”

“Edward. . . oh. . . uungg. . . oh please, baby. . . .”


“What, baby?”


“Oh, Edward. . . please. . . oh, God. . . oh. . . please make love to me. . . I want you so badly. . . .”

He froze completely. He even held his breath before letting it out in a long sigh. His lips went from sucking wetly to gentle little pecks. His hands slipped from my breasts and planted themselves at the sides of my waist. He pushed himself back despite my attempts to pull him closer. It was as if I had doused him with a bucket of ice water, so quickly did the energy between us change.

“Baby? Edward?” I pulled his face up to mine. He closed his eyes and sighed again as he rested his forehead on mine. “What is it? What’s wrong?”


“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong, Bella, and everything’s wrong.” He placed a quick, chaste kiss on my lips before bending down to retrieve his t-shirt.


I stood there totally stunned, still leaning up against the tree. I couldn’t comprehend what he was doing and just gaped at him. After he put on his shirt and I still hadn’t moved, he picked up my shirt and redressed me, pulling me away from the tree and into his arms.


“Bella, I can’t. We can’t.”


“What do you mean? I don’t understand?”

“Sweetheart, I’m leaving in just a few hours. Whether we do this or not, it won’t change that.”


“But, but. . . .”


“No buts.”


“I thought. . . I. . . uh. . . don’t you. . . ” but I couldn’t get the words out. They were just too painful. Shame rose up unbidden and unwelcome. I wished I hadn’t said anything. He’d turned me down, and I had begged. Oh God, how humiliating. Tears burned my eyes, but I couldn’t let him see me cry.

“Of course I want to. I’ve wanted to for a long time. But it’s wrong. For once, I’m doing the right thing. I can’t take advantage of you like this. We want different things. Having sex won’t change that. It won’t make me stay and I won’t take you with me. You know I never want children and I won’t let you steal my seed in the hopes of having my baby in your belly.”


My eyes flashed to his, wide with amazement. How did he know that? I hadn’t told anyone about that.

“Bella,” he sighed and tapped my temple. “I saw it in your mind. Even if I hadn’t, I’d have felt it in your heart.” He reached into my shorts pockets and pulled out the condoms I had shoved in before meeting him in the yard. “Did you really think I’d let you put one of these pin-pricked ones on me?”


I dropped my head in shame, letting my hair cover my face, grateful for the darkness. I could feel the blood burn in my cheeks. I couldn’t control the tears this time. He tried to get me to look at him, but I refused. I was too ashamed. My desperation had pushed me to try anything, do anything – including puncturing condoms with a pin – and it had all failed. Miserably.

“Sweetheart, please don’t be like this. I understand what you were trying to do. Please understand me. You are better than this. You deserve better than me. You deserve a warm, soft bed, candlelight and rose petals your first time. Not some horny fuck up against a tree or on the cold, wet, muddy ground with a man who’s not faithful to you. And babies are to be shared with someone who wants them and that’s not me. That will never be me. It’s no good, I’m no good.”

His words didn’t register through my shame and humiliation. I heard the murmur and passion in his voice, but nothing more. The man I loved, who said he loved me, didn’t want me. That’s all I could focus on. He just didn’t want me.

I was suddenly tired. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head, cry myself to sleep, and sleep until next week. Or maybe next month. I wondered vaguely if I could get away with staying in bed until next year. Whatever. It didn’t matter because he was leaving. No matter what, he was leaving, and nothing I could say or do would change that. I just wasn’t enough somehow, in some way. He didn’t want me. I don’t think I would ever understand this. Not really. Not now, not ever.

~  ✧  ~

“I turned you down because I loved you too much,” he murmured into my hair. “I wouldn’t have stayed and I just couldn’t break your heart that way. It would have been cruel. It didn’t mean I didn’t want to. I did. Badly. You have no idea how badly. I know you don’t believe that, but it’s true.”

I pulled back to look him in the eye and I could see the truth there. For the first time, I actually believed him. I touched his cheek and he closed his eyes with a sigh.

“It was as hard for me to leave as it was for you when I left. I think it fueled what happened next.”

“What did happen next?” I’d never gotten the answers to my questions. There was no one left to ask.

“We headed south. They wanted to take a detour to visit some friends. We stopped in some podunk town in northern California for a couple of days. Turns out their friends were growers and dealers, and we scored some really good shit. We got incredibly high and headed out into the desert toward Vegas. I can’t even tell you how much we drank and smoked; I was completely blitzed. There were pills, too. Don’t know what they were. Probably acid. All I could do was laugh and say yes.

“We’d been taking turns driving and it was my turn. I couldn’t even walk, so they stuffed me into the back seat of the car with a Coke trying to sober me up some and Paul slipped behind the wheel. The next thing I knew, we weren’t on the pavement anymore, we were driving down some dirt road. It was late afternoon or early evening, whatever.

“The sun was setting behind us and everything was golden and red in the rays of the sun. I was just tripping in the backseat and not paying attention to much of anything, really. Paul and Jacob were both drinking beers while passing a joint back and forth. They were laughing hysterically and punching each other.

“I noticed a dark line at the bottom of the buttes we were rapidly approaching. ‘Whoa,’ I’d said from the backseat and leaned forward pointing between them. ‘Cool!’ ‘Awesome!’ ‘Let’s do it!’ Jacob shouted and Paul floored it.

“That’s when I realized it wasn’t a shadow or layer in the rocks, it was a chasm and there was no bridge across it. It didn’t look very far across until we were airborne. I knew we weren’t going to make it. I laughed at our stupidity until I thought of you. I saw your face in my mind, and that was my last thought until I woke up here.”

“By here, you mean. . . .”

“Wherever it is that I am now. It’s kinda some place in between, I think. But I don’t know. They don’t tell me much.”

“Does it. . . did it. . . hurt?”

“You mean physically?

I nodded.

“Nope, not really. It’s the emotional ties that sting.”

“Oh.” I found I had nothing else to say. What do you say to that?

And then I thought of something. “Why is it that you look like that,” and I gestured to him with my hand, “and I look like this?” I gestured similarly to myself.

“Because I’m dead and you’re not.”

“It’s that simple?”

“Yup.”

“When I. . . when I die, will I look like I do when I died?”

“That’s up to you. You’ll have some choice on that because you’ve lived longer and died naturally. I don’t because I died young, at my own hand more or less.”

“Oh, I see.”

“It’s not a punishment per se, I just didn’t live long enough to provide myself much choice; and when you take yourself out, your choices are simply more limited, that’s all. A body, a life, is a blessing, and the Big Guy doesn’t take too kindly when his gift is casually disregarded.” He winked.

“Are you. . . stuck, I guess. . . where you are now for always?”

“No, just for now. I have a job to do — one I asked for and was given — and once it’s done, I’m pretty sure I get to move on. That’s what I’ve been told, at least.”

“A job?”

“Well, sort of.”

You asked for a job?!”

He had the grace to laugh. The guy I knew hated any sort of work, job, or labor, and wouldn’t lift a finger to help out ever.

“Yeah, well, things do change, ya know.”

“I see,” I sort of harrumphed. “So, what is this sort of job, exactly?”

“Watching over you.”

“Watch. . . wh. . . wait. . . what?”

“Watching over you.”

“You mean like a guardian angel?”

He threw his head back and laughed loudly. God, how I had missed that sound. I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my lips.

“Well, I don’t think anyone would put the word ‘angel’ next to my name, but. . . I guess. . . . Yeah, that description sort of works.”

“Wait. Watching over me, have you visited me before?”

His smile vanished and he suddenly looked wary. “What do you mean?”

“Um. . . well. . . there have been a few times where I could have sworn I saw you somewhere. Like the grocery store, or walking down the street. I knew it couldn’t be you – you were dead – but. . . .”

“But. . . .” He prompted when I stopped, lost in my thoughts.

“But, it was like I could feel you. I’d catch up to the person and it wasn’t you, of course, and so I just thought I was crazy. Was that you?”

“Sometimes, yes,” he admitted with visible chagrin. “I wasn’t supposed to be seen or felt, but there were times you were just so sad or so lost or so forlorn, I couldn’t resist. I’d immediately get in trouble and have to cover my tracks by making you see me in someone else. I love you, Bella. I always have. And when you hurt emotionally, I could feel it. I wanted to help. I’m sorry I made you think you were crazy.”

What a relief. I had seriously doubted my sanity on more than one occasion.

“It’s been a long time, though, since that’s happened. Slacking off?” It felt so good to sit next to him, I just couldn’t help teasing him a little.

“No. Actually, I got into so much trouble they threatened to give my job to someone else. I didn’t want that, so I had to stop it. I eventually figured out other, more subtle ways to reach you. Ways that were okay.”

“Oh. You really got into trouble over me?”

He laughed lightly. “Always, my love. Always.”

I looked at the picture in my hand again, grateful to finally understand what had really happened to him.

“Do you have any other questions?”

“Um, yes. Two.”

He raised his eyebrow in question when I hesitated. I knew he knew what I wanted to ask, but he was making me say it out loud.

“Will you get in trouble for coming to see me today?”

“Probably not.”

I wanted to ask why not, but I’d said two, and my other question was more important.

“Will I see you again and if so, when?”

“That depends entirely upon you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

My brow wrinkled in confusion. Of course I wanted to see him again. I wanted to see him all the time. That had never changed.

I suddenly realized the twilight was fading into the blackness of night. I hadn’t realized we’d been sitting out here so long. I knew Mary Alice would come soon to get me if I didn’t go in. While Bree was stodgy, Mary Alice was the worrier.

“I think I’d better head inside. It’s getting dark and Mary Alice will be coming for me soon.”

“If that’s what you want.”

“What I want is what I’ve always wanted but could never have. I want to be with you.”

“Well, you can finally have what you’ve always wanted. You’re sure you want to be with me? It means leaving all this,” he gestured to my garden, my house, my family.

“Oh. . . .” I breathed, realization dawning. “Is it. . . is. . . it’s time?” I finally gasped out.

“Only if you want it to be. This time it’s your choice. Next time it won’t be.”

“Oh, I see.” I looked to the house, listening for the voices of my children and grandchildren. “Will you come next time?”

“Um. . . no.” I could see him look down into his lap out of the corner of my eye. He looked sad. Disappointed. He masked it quickly when he realized I saw him.

“But why not?” My tone was slightly petulant.

“Because. . . it won’t be my job anymore. I only got to come when you had a choice. It will be too late next time and they’ll send someone else.”

“Who else would come for me?” Thoughts of my mom and dad flitted through my mind.

“No.”

“Can you tell me?”

“No.”

We sat in silence then as I puzzled who else would possibly come for me. And I suddenly realized exactly who it would be. Mike.

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t he come for me now?”

“It was my job.”

“But. . . . He was my husband.”

“Yes.”

“Our short time together trumped my lifetime of marriage to Mike? How can that be?”

“Think about it.”

I tried, but was at a complete loss.

“Look in your heart for the answer.”

Oh. . . .

Before the words had died away, I knew. I understood. He was here because he was my life’s first great love, my true love.

I had loved my husband dearly, but it just wasn’t the same as the love I had for Edward. Mike had known that. I had always been honest with him about it, and bless him, he had loved me anyway.

“He made you happy in ways I couldn’t. He gave you the life you always wanted. The life I was incapable of giving you. I’m forever grateful for that.”

“And now I have to choose between the two of you? Between you and my family?” I cried, tears beginning to pour down my face.


How could I make this choice?

“Yes and no. You will be surrounded by all your friends and family, including Mike, and your parents and grandparents. You’ve earned that in this life. I haven’t. I didn’t. I can only be near you if you choose. It’s entirely your choice. You can walk away as I did all those years ago. It’s truly what I deserve. It’s only your love for me then that has given me this chance now.”

“But. . . but. . . .”

“No buts. I can say no more. I’ve already said too much.”

I closed my eyes.

An eternity with Edward if I go now, or eternity without him if I stay a little longer. How much longer? Would I see Mary Alice graduate from college? Or my grandkids graduate from high school? Who would marry next? Would I see great great grandchildren? What would I miss? What could I live with?

My heart ached and I felt Edward’s cool fingers briefly squeeze mine. For the first time, I truly understood how hard it was for him to just walk away. All this time, I had naturally been focused only on my own pain of being left.

How had he ever made this choice? How could I?

I was suddenly filled with rage.

Why did I even have to make this choice? If this was a reward, I really didn’t want to know what punishment might look like.

He chuckled dryly next to me, listening to my thoughts.

I sighed again. My head spun just a little.

Oh, my blood pressure must have spiked. Did I take my pills this morning? Can’t remember. . . .

I opened my eyes to steady my head and gazed around my garden in the moonlight. The yellow squares of light from the windows of the house streamed onto the lawn. Sudden laughter from inside wafted to me on the breeze.

I remembered every face I’d seen that day – the love and friendship there for me; the confusion in my own this morning. I remembered having no wish for my birthday as every wish I could think of then had been fulfilled. I never in all my wildest dreams, my deepest grief, ever thought I could have this, the deepest wish of my heart. It had been sealed away, carefully kept hidden for more than 56 years, buried so deeply I had completely forgotten about it.

I thought about what life was like in this empty house, in this old body. And I knew. It wasn’t a choice, really. When I breathed into it and truly thought about it, I realized my heart and soul had already made the decision for me long ago. My brain and ego simply needed to catch up.

I felt the swing shift under me as he stood up. He turned to me with a soft, shy smile and held out his hand. “Are you ready to go now?”

“Mom! What are you doing sitting out here in the dark? It’s getting chilly. Time to come in now.” Mary Alice stood right next to him, her hand extended, too.

I felt myself stand and without hesitation, I placed my fingers into his long cool ones. I looked over my shoulder and saw myself still sitting on the swing, holding the photograph. It’d felt like it had been an eternity since I’d held his hand last. Now I’d have his hand in mine forever.
A New Life

A/N: What can I say about my beta, LJ Summers, that I haven’t already said? Only that she’s simply the best! This chapter’s for you, bb! Mwah!



It was nearly dark by the time I reached the soddy, and though I knew the evening chores were complete, I had to check things myself, or I would never be able to sleep. I was out between the brush-fenced corral and the garden when I felt her behind me.

“Is everything all right? The children?”

“Fine, fine. We’re all fine. Are you?” She stepped out of the darkness.

“Yes, I’m just checking things before sleep.”

“You’re very careful and thorough about things,” she spoke softly and moved to my side.

“Yes.”

Not looking at me, she murmured, “Emmett wasn’t.”

“No, not particularly.” I looked down at her and realized the neck of her dress was unbuttoned, her hair hanging in a long braid down her back. When she looked up at me, her face glowed in the moonlight.

My breath caught in my throat. I had never seen her look so lovely. I reached for her face and, “Stunning” slipped through my lips. I couldn’t look away. I was captivated. I realized I had felt that way for a long time, and I froze slightly in shock. Her face moved towards mine and then she was kissing me. Not soft, tenderly and chastely like this afternoon at the picnic. This kiss was passionate, lustful, and took my breath away.

One hand around my waist, the other in my hair, she drew me closer. My hands plunged into her hair at long last, holding her lips to mine. My hands loosened her hair from its braid before the fire in our kiss had me crushing her body to mine.

She broke her lips from mine and began nibbling along my neck. I groaned as she began unbuttoning her dress.

Wait. . . Slow down. . . .

“Bella. . .” I hissed, going to reach for her hands to stop her, slow her down. She cut me off by pressing her mouth to mine, and brought my hands to her breasts.

I. . . I. . . Oh, God. . . oh. . . so. . .
“Amazing. . .” I sighed into her mouth. Her breasts were large, something I had tried not to notice long ago. Each was more than a handful. They were soft and glorious though they sagged from nursing her babies. I lifted and caressed them worshipfully.

I pulled away from her kiss to drop my mouth to her breasts only to discover that she had finished unbuttoning her dress, giving me full access. I pushed her it open and captured her nipple with my mouth through her thin chemise.

So large. . . so. . . hard. . . . I licked and sucked her tender firm flesh, creating a wet spot on her undergarment. When I pulled back slightly the fabric was translucent and clung to her dark nipple and large aureole erotically. I had been hard before, but was pulsing almost painfully at the sight.

Oh, we need to stop now. I. . . this. . . we shouldn’t. . . .

My thoughts were interrupted by her hand touching me. She lightly traced the outline of my hardness through my trousers before grasping me firmly through the fabric.

Ah, God! My eyes rolled up into my head for a flash before I crashed my lips to hers, my tongue meeting hers for the first time. Her hands went to my shoulders and slid my suspenders down my arms before unbuttoning my pants. With nothing left to hold them up, they dropped straight to the ground around my feet. Her hands disappeared behind her back and I felt her dress drop to the ground as well.

I started to lower us but got tangled in my pants, and we tumbled to the ground laughing breathlessly. The grass was soft and damp with dew underneath us. Should we go in the barn. . . . My thought was interrupted by her hand slipping under my shirttail and grasping me, stroking firmly.

“No drawers?” She arched her brow.

“Too hot this time of year,” I smirked in response. My hand glided up her leg encountering only bare flesh. “I could ask you the same thing,” I quirked my own brow in imitation.

“Less layers for you to have to fight through.”

I realized then she had removed her petticoats as well. Bella held my gaze as she guided me unhesitatingly to her entrance, my tip cloaked in her warmth.

“You’re sure about this then.”

“I am.”

I took a deep breath and blew it out my nose. Who am I to deny a lady? “Well, all right then.” I pushed forward and slid myself deep inside her. She was not tight, four children had seen to that, but she was soft and velvety and warm nonetheless. Being inside her was heavenly, and I couldn’t stop the loud groan that left my lips.

I began slowly drawing myself all the way out before plunging back into her depths. Our moans, groans and sighs were loud across each other's skin. As her hips started to meet mine stroke for stroke, her hands found my bottom and urged me silently to move faster, harder, deeper.

So earthy, so lustful, so. . . wanton. . . . I was not going to last long at this pace, and dropped my forehead to her shoulder to concentrate.

“I can’t. . . I won’t. . .” I panted.

“I won’t. . . either,” she gasped, and suddenly arched, crying out softly in the still night air, writhing beneath me as she rode out her bliss. I raised my head slightly and clenched my teeth. I could feel the pressure building in me, about to crest. I moaned deep in my throat, and I felt her head rise off the ground. Her tongue licked the curve of my shoulder, and then she sunk her teeth firmly into my flesh. I cried out and came violently, pumping hard and emptying into her.

I carefully slumped upon her chest, heart pounding, panting hard. Oh my God. What did we just do? I raised up on one elbow enough to look into her shining eyes. She reached up and touched my cheek. I bent my head and kissed her, still trying to catch my breath. I went to move off of her, but she held me fast.

“I’m not too heavy?”

She laughed lightly, “No, not at all. I like the feel of you laying on me like this. I feel safe, protected.”

“My God, woman. You’re a continual surprise.”

She laughed again and pulled me down for a deep, passionate kiss. I finally broke the kiss to pull back and look at her, caressing her face with the backs of my fingers.

Bella had been my brother’s wife, but he was dead and gone. Bella and I had never much liked each other, but something had changed between us after the long winter. This glorious, strong, fierce, passionate woman had chosen me, wanted me, and I had just made her mine. I cared about her but I didn’t love her, not yet anyway, and I wanted her again. Right now. Oh God, what have I done? What am I doing?

I threw one final plea heavenward, to whom, I wasn't quite sure. Please forgive me. And I buried my lips in the curve of her neck, began thrusting my hips slowly, and groaned, “Oh, Bella,” against her skin.

~ o ~

The next morning found us shy with each other. By some unspoken agreement, we kept to our previous behavior, not wanting the children to know about the change in our relationship. I couldn’t help but notice the lovely blush coloring her cheeks and the way she quietly hummed while serving breakfast. To stop staring at her, I lowered my eyes to the table and kept them there throughout the rest of the meal.

The work of a farm is endless, and as the days passed and the crops grew, our small private gestures continued. Sometimes, I’d hide a flower on her pillow when she was down at the river doing the wash. Or I’d slip down to the river and bring back the morning water when I was up extra early, a chore she normally did. On her part, she made the effort to fix me my favorite foods for supper or something fresh and delicious from her garden I’d not had before.

Earlier in the spring, when I went to town for supplies, she had asked me to get some additional seeds for her garden, things Alice hadn’t grown. Bella’s garden grew lush, abundant vegetables and fruit from her loving attention and care. Our larder would be full this winter with all the canning and jarring she and Mattie did throughout the long summer days.

After our night of love-making under the stars, as we tried to keep that part of our relations secret, Bella and I would meet after the children were asleep either in her garden, by the corral, or in the barn to merge and meld our bodies into one. Again, with no discussion, we came up with ways of signaling the other that we wanted to connect that night and where.

One Sunday, Mattie and I went to visit Alice and the children on the rise. She clutched a handful of wildflowers for the graves as we walked up the hill.

“Papa?”

“Yes, baby girl?”

“You can make Bella my new Ma, if’n you want. I don’t mind. She’s nice now.”

I was speechless for a minute and she slipped her hand into mine. “Why thank you, baby girl,” was all I finally said in reply. She nodded her head and we reached the summit at that moment, and nothing further was spoken.

~ o ~

The green of summer turned into autumn gold and harvest time neared. Several of us men on neighboring farms formed a sort of collective agreement whereby we would all help harvest each others’ farms in turn as so much work had to happen in such a short time.

As I was checking the harnesses and wagon in preparation for the first day of harvest on a neighboring farm one night, Thomas appeared at my side. He cleared his throat nervously.

“Um, Uncle Edward? I’d like to speak to you, you know, man to man?”

“Certainly, Thomas.” I turned to him. He’d grown several inches over the summer and was now as tall as I. “What can I do for you?”

His eyes darted all around the barn while avoiding mine completely. “Well, um. . . .” He removed his hat and scratched his head. The held the hat by the brim and turned it around and around in his hands while looking at his boots. Having trouble myself sometimes with words, I waited patiently.

He stopped fiddling with his hat, took a deep breath, squared his shoulders a bit, and raised his head, finally looking me in the eye.

“Well, Uncle Edward, it’s like this. I know you and Ma have been getting along better, and, well, if you want to marry her, that’s fine by me.”

You could have knocked me over with a feather. That was the last thing I ever expected him to say. I realized my mouth was hanging open in shock and snapped it closed. Now it was my turn not to look him in the eye and fidget.

“Ah. . . um. . . . Thank you, Thomas,” I finally managed to croak out. He clapped me on my shoulder, nodded, put his hat on and left me standing there stunned.

Does he know? Surely not. We’ve been so careful. But why. . . . Did she say something to him?

I couldn’t even form a clear thought and turned to brush Old Jack, finding the familiar act comforting. Lost in the task and in my circling thoughts, more time passed than I realized, and Bella came to find me. She was so quiet in her approach that I wasn’t aware of her presence until our other horse, Joe, nickered to her.

“Sweetheart? What’s wrong?” she asked softly, stepping to my side and taking the curry brush from my hand.

“Who said anything’s wrong?”

“Well, you missed supper, and I’ve just watched you brush the same spot on Joe’s shoulder for the last five minutes. That’s not like you.”

“Oh, I was just thinkin’ I guess.” I looked down at my scuffed and muddy boots.

“About what?” She stroked soothing small circles on my back.

“I. . . well. . . um. . . .” Resting my hand on Joe’s withers, I half-urned to her. “I. . . I think Thomas knows about us. He just gave me permission to marry you. Did you. . . .”

Her laughter cut me off. She started off trying to stifle her merry laugh, but gave up, threw her head back and began to loudly guffaw holding onto her stomach.

“I’m sorry. . .” she gasped before starting laughing again. Now she bent forward and slapped her thigh.

“Well, I’m so glad I could provide you such merry entertainment this evening.” Pulling a face, I turned away.

“Wait. . . sorry. . . .” I felt her hand on my arm and turned back. Bella dried her eyes on her sleeve still gasping for breath. “I’m sorry, Edward, but your face. . . your expression. . . .” she trailed off into a fit of giggles.

I frowned. “I fail to see what’s so funny here.”

Swallowing her laughter but not her smile, Bella took a step toward me and placed her hands on my upper arms.

“Oh, sweetheart, sometimes you miss so much, trapped in that sweet, thoughtful head of yours!”

“What do you mean? What have I missed?” Insulted, I crossed my arms across my chest, but her hands remained on me.

“I know you think you’re subtle and that you’re fooling the children, but they’re smarter and more observant that you give them credit for. They’ve known for some time that there’s something more between us.”

“What?!” I was momentarily appalled – this was not the example I wanted to provide for my children.

She stroked my arms until I uncrossed them, and then took my hands in hers. “Mattie told me back in the summer that she hoped I’d be her Ma one day soon. And Thomas mentioned hearing noises one night in the barn recently. I’m afraid Emmett was never particularly quiet, and I’m sure Thomas recognized what he heard.”

At hearing this, I put my head in my hands. “We have to stop, then Bella. This is not the example to provide for our children. Some would consider us married already, since we’ve been living in the same house for some time now and weddings are rare here, but what we’re doing is sinful. I should have stopped it long ago, I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”

“Edward! We’re two grown people. I wanted you. I wanted this. I’m not sorry or ashamed of what we have. I love you and have for a long time now. We live like man and wife, and we treat each other like husband and wife. Intimate relations are just a part of that.”

“You’re sure? But what about the children?”

“What about them? They see the love we have for each other. That we treat each other with respect and work together as a team. What better example can you have? My Pa beat my Ma regularly after they would fight and yell at each other. It took me years after we were married to know that Emmett wouldn’t raise a finger to me in anger. My folks were married in the eyes of God and the state, but they were terrible examples for me and my brothers and sisters.”

My heart melted at her words. I had never known such treatment and I didn’t know she came from people like that. “Oh my darling,” I said, folding her into my arms. “I had no idea that your people were like that. I’m sorry you saw such harsh treatment between your ma and pa. No one should see or hear that.”

“Now do you understand why I’m not as concerned about our example to our children? Besides, I think we’ve lived together long enough that most would call us married.”

“True. But without a preacher or a Justice of the Peace, it’s not married to me. I guess it’s time to make an honest woman of you, eh?” I squeezed her playfully.

“Such a romantic proposal. How can I refuse?” She tickled me back. “Besides, it probably is best that we stand in front of the preacher and make our vow soon, before the baby comes.” Her sparkling eyes met mine through her lashes.

“Baby comes? What baby? Whose baby?”

She slapped my chest lightly. “You really are at sea sometimes, aren’t you? Silly, silly man, our baby.”

Our baby? Our baby?

My mind struggled to grab this information. “Our baby?” I gasped in disbelief. “Are you sure? Wait, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” she laughed. “And I’m fine. Everything is as it usually is. This isn’t the first time, you know.” She winked and nudged me.

“Wha. . . when?”

“Best I can figure, late winter or early spring.”

“Whoooooooop!!!” I hollered and picked her up, swinging her around.

“You’re happy, then?”

“Yes, yes! I’m just still a little stunned. I wasn’t expecting any of this.”

“But it’s okay? You’re okay with it?”

“Yes! A new life! A new child. . . .” My voice trailed away as I looked down into her shining face.

My God, I love this woman. Not just love her. I love her love her. Like with all my heart. I’m in love with Bella! I don’t know exactly when that happened. And now we’re going to be married and have a child. . . .

So many emotions were running through me that I wasn’t sure I could contain them all. My heart swelled so I thought my chest would burst, my eyes burned with unshed tears, my body shook with joy and excitement. I saw all the same things reflected back to me in Bella’s eyes, and I raised my hand to cup her cheek tenderly.

“I love you, Bella,” I whispered for the first time before pressing my lips to hers softly. Pulling back slightly, I brought my other hand to her face to cradle it between them. Her deep eyes were radiant, and captured mine completely. I wanted to marry her. I never thought I’d ever feel that way about a woman again. But I did. I wanted to marry her and raise our children on this land together.

“Will you marry me?” Popped out of my mouth unbidden.

“Yes, yes of course I’ll marry you!” She answered before I could draw breath, then crashed her lips to mine, hungry, needy. My own body responded and we didn’t even bother to fully undress before I was engulfed deep inside her and groaning out my love.

~ o ~

We celebrated a record harvest that fall. Mr. Banner decided to stay on and it was a relief not to have to find a replacement – he was a hard worker and had become a good friend and neighbor. I never had to worry about Emmett’s homestead with him in charge. While I might have been unaware of many things, I did see how my Mattie took a shine to his boy Ben, and he seemed equally sweet on her. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they started courting down the road a piece.

Thomas shone working with all our livestock, and we butchered a yearling calf after the first frost to give us meat for the winter. Several calves and foals were due in the spring, the heifers and mares he’d bought and bred were fat and happy in their shaggy winter coats.

Our food secure and plentiful, our livestock healthy and doing well, our farm bedded down for the winter, I took stock of my life as I headed up to the rise one evening. The sun was low in the sky coloring everything in warm reds and golds.

Two years. I’ve been on this land for two years. Only three to go.

Had anyone told me a year ago that I’d be married again and expecting a new child, I’d have laughed in their face. Life on the prairie was tough and had taken a toll on my body and my spirit, but I refused to be beaten, bending instead with the wind like the long grasses that surrounded me as far as the eye could see.

I felt warm arms wrap around my waist as Bella snuggled into my side. Putting one arm around her back while spreading my other across her expanding belly, I kissed the top of her head and sighed in contentment.

“It’s so beautiful up here,” she said softly.

“Yes.”

“I love the way the land stretches away to the horizon all around.”

I nodded and turned to face my love, my wife, and kissed her soundly.

“You still miss them.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yes, but not like before. The memories now are more sweet than bitter.”

She nodded in agreement against my chest.

“You, too?”

“Yes. You, the children, you’re my life now.”

Nodding my understanding, I kissed her forehead lightly. “What’s here was my life once upon a time. Now it’s my past.” I grabbed my wife’s hand. “Let’s go home. That’s where my life is – the life I love and live fully with you and our children, and our children yet to come.”

We walked together downhill towards home. Our home. The sunset gilded the land and glinted off the rings on our hands. Happily ever after was for storybooks and dreams. Life was hard and unrelenting on the prairie, I’d learned through painful experience, but I knew I’d never been happier or more settled in my life before. And I knew I’d be that way to the end of my days with the incredible woman who walked by my side into the fading light. The day might be ending, but our life together was truly just beginning.



The End
 

Copyright © 2010 mostly a lurker